Wife won’t let me touch her

Dear Pastor,

I have been married for a few years. My wife and I met when she came to Jamaica on vacation. She is Jamaican, but she used to live in New York. After we got married, she decided that she is not going back. Everything was going well until she started to show her true colours. Every day she wanted fast food or she expected me to cook.

I couldn’t understand what was happening. She stopped showing me any interest. I had to beg her for sex. She was always depressed and she started to question whether she made a mistake by marrying me. I told her that I did not beg her to marry me and I have not done anything that should cause her to scorn me. I wondered whether she had found another man, but I did not say that to her.

My wife is only 30 and I am 31. I have one daughter but my wife does not have any children. I told her that we should go for counselling, but she was not interested. I have been tempted to cheat. My daughter’s mother is still available, and if I wanted to cheat, I could always sleep with her. But I say to myself, “Nothing is wrong with my wife, why should I go and sleep with another woman?” Sometimes when I am in bed with her and I touch her, she brushes my hand off.

So that is the reason why I am writing to you. What should I do? I cannot live this way. Please give me your advice.

A.

Dear A.,

What you are saying is that you desire sex more than your wife.

You have not said how often you have sex, but evidently, you had sex regularly until your wife changed. But I would like to tell you that the problem with her is much more than her lack of desire for sex. Think with me a little; this woman does not even like to cook, all she wants is fast food. She does not have any desire to please you by cooking meals that you would enjoy. I am sure that you have shown her that you are spending too much money on fast food.

Perhaps this woman does not care at all. Perhaps she enjoys masturbating more than sexual intercourse. Perhaps it is a matter of not enjoying sex with you. You have a right to know, but she is not even willing to go with you to see a marriage counsellor. Is your wife suffering from depression? When a woman is depressed, she has little or no desire for sexual intercourse. Then there might be some other physical problem that your woman might be facing and not telling you.

Once I was at a certain place and a woman was very upset with her partner. She declared openly that she did not care to have anymore sex; she had had enough. People laughed at what she said, but can you imagine how her husband felt? Your wife is only in her early 30s, so she could not, with a clear conscience, say that she has had enough sex. She pushed your hand away when you tried to hug her. Your situation therefore is pitiful. A married woman once told me that her husband wanted to make love to her and she was not interested and he said to her “That is why I have to go to ‘so and so’ and look it”. She replied “Then gwan nuh”. He left, went with another woman and got her pregnant.

Your wife is telling you that she made a mistake by marrying you, and you say that your child’s mother is quite willing to get you back. Please continue to show your wife that you still love her and that you are not interested in any other woman. I know you may ask me how long you should continue to beg this woman for something that she should give you freely. My answer to that is, continue to as long as you can, and when you cannot deal with her attitude anymore, tell her that you are divorcing her and seek the help of a lawyer.

Pastor