Husband wants his ‘outside’ child to live with us

Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of your column and I have a matter to put to you. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have two children together, but I have a daughter from a previous relationship. When we got married, my mother told me not to take my daughter away from her, so we left her with my mother. My husband bought a piece of land and we were trying to build a house. When the house was at a certain stage, my husband said he would have to stay there sometimes because people would steal material. I had no objections. I suggested that we all stay there a couple of times, but I did not know that my husband had a woman sleeping there with him and he got her pregnant. This girl had a baby boy. Now it is causing a big problem in our marriage because my husband wants me to agree to take the child, and I have decided that that child will not be coming to live with us, even over my dead body. The woman says that she is going to give up the child for adoption if he does not want to take the child. I told him to let her give up the child, but he says he does not want to give up the boy. I asked my husband why he had to cheat and why he had to get this girl pregnant. He said 'the something' got away from him. My husband is threatening me, but I have made up my mind. This child is not going to be staying under the same roof with my other children and me. He can go and make a new life with her and leave me alone because I know I can get another man. Pastor, please for your advice.

P.S.

Dear P.S.,

I am sorry to hear that you and your husband are at war. He is so wrong in what he has done, but I want you to resist threatening him about the marriage and to make suggestions instead.

It is understandable if you do not want this child to live under your roof. However, your husband sees this child as the one who will continue to carry his name, and that his daughters are likely to get married and change their last name, and so carry the names of their husbands. That is how a lot of Jamaican men see their children. I am sorry that you have threatened your husband. Perhaps what you should encourage your husband to do is to take the child from his mother and ask one of his relatives to raise him in their home while he supports the child. Don't walk out on your husband, because you will never know whether the mother of that child would love to see you do that and take over your husband totally. Your husband made a mistake, a very big mistake too. But if you love him, try to work with him. Try to do everything to keep your marriage together.

Pastor