Can’t trust my husband anymore

Dear Pastor,

I am a 47-year-old woman and I have been reading your column for a long time. I got married 10 years ago but I do not have any children with my husband.

I have a son by a married man when I was in my mid-20s. When I met my husband, he told me to come clean with him and so I decided to tell him about the father of my son.

I did not want to tell him because the only person who knew about the father of my son was my mother, who used to help me with my son. I knew I could trust my mother with my life so when my then husband-to-be asked me who my son's father was, I did not want to tell him. But he insisted that he wanted to know because he did not want to have surprises after we were married.

I made the biggest mistake of my life by telling him the name of my child's father. Would you believe he did not keep it as a secret? He found out where the man lived.

One day we were having an argument and he told me that I better be quiet. I asked him why he was threatening me and he said because he could let the man's wife know that her husband had fathered an outside child. I called my husband a dog and he threatened to beat me up. That night I did not sleep with him. I went to my mother and told her what happened.

I kept away for one week and when I went home, he accused me of going to see the man. We were trying to have a child, but I stopped the process. I could never trust this man.

I told my son's father of what transpired between my husband and myself so he should be prepared to give an answer to his wife if he should say anything about it. This man was shocked, but he told me he would handle the situation.

Pastor, I cannot trust my husband. My son's father supported his child very well. It was a one-night stand we had. I could have thrown away the pregnancy, but he didn't want me to do so, and he supported me all the way. I have his only son.

My husband believes that he has something over me and that this man's wife would leave him, but the man told me that the wife would not do that at this stage of their married life.

When my son was 18, I told him who his biological father was and he hugged me and kissed me. I do not have any more love for my husband. I trusted him and told him the truth and he tried to destroy my babyfather's life.

My husband has migrated and wanted me to follow but I refused. My son is doing very well. I will not leave my mother or son in Jamaica to follow a man I cannot trust.

A.T.

Dear A.T.,

It seems to me that the love you had for you husband died after you told him who was the biological father of your son.

Some people say that couples should tell each other everything about their past. He pressured you to tell him the father's identity. You didn't have to tell him, but you did, and he used that as a threat when you had disagreements. That was not the correct thing to do but I believe that you do not love your husband deeply because these things can be discussed and the marriage can be strengthened. Your husband only threatened you, but he never carried out his threats and he should have known that whatever he did would have affected your son.

This marriage is done as far as you are concerned, but I hope that both of you can still pick up the pieces by seeking professional help, and I assume that you are trying to ask me what you should do. You're also saying that you do not have any more love for your husband.

You are an intelligent woman and I am sure something will be done in the future for your son and his father so that they would bond together and have a good father-and-son relationship.

Pastor