New lover doesn’t want any more children

Dear Pastor,

I am in a situation on which I would love to have your opinion. I am a 38-year-old female. I was in a relationship for over 10 years with a man who is a few years older.

We were living together at his place until recently. There is no doubt in my mind that this man and his family love me. He proposed to me in 2014 and I accepted with conditions.

He is very bad with his money. He does not have a budget. I wrote a budget for us but he has never followed through. I don't suspect him of cheating. He is a good man otherwise.

However, his financial situation will cause us to be in a bad way later on in life. So I gave him an ultimatum: get professional and financial help. But he never did. So two years after the ultimatum, I moved out. I am now living alone. I am very comfortable and thanks be to God I am able to pay all my bills and still help out others. I am in a good job, plus I have a little investment. I hope to purchase my own place by the end of the year with God's help.

When I moved out of my ex-boyfriend's place, I went back home for a few months. I work from home most days due to COVID-19. I am not a 'road' person.

However, something happened and I had to go on the street occasionally while I was back home. This caused me to visit a particular place a few times. I started to correspond with a man who was there. We started talking more often via telephone. We developed feelings for each other soon after and now we are in love.

He has a son who is in his late teens and also a younger daughter. I do not have any children. Early in our conversation he told me that he did not want any more children because of his age. He is 45. I told him I was planning to have a child by my 39th birthday, which is this year, with a donor who is an old friend of mine. I just want to have my own child without being in a relationship. But since I started seeing this man, I cancelled the old friend. The new relationship is now on the line because I want a child and he doesn't.

One day he told me that he had decided that we could have a child together. But then a few days later, he changed his mind. I love this man so much that I thought about pleasing him by not wanting the baby. However, he wants us to get married. But one of us will be unhappy if a child does not come. He said he is not where he wants to be financially, and it's unfair to a child to have parents who are so old. He said that since there is a conflict between us, we should not have allowed our relationship to get this far. I told him I would write to you for a third opinion. What is your take on this baby situation?

Initials withheld

Dear writer,

As I read your letter I said to myself, this is an intelligent young woman who was in a relationship with a man who did not appreciate her. You worked hard, you saved and you invested, but evidently, your man was a squanderer so you were quite correct in ending the relationship. You would like to get married but even marriage is not a priority. You would like to have a child.

I would not support the way you were planning it, and your present boyfriend is very selfish. He may not agree with me but in a good relationship one spouse cannot think of themselves alone. He is not too old to be a father again and you are not too old to be a mother. Both of you should become husband and wife and have a child together. If this man is not willing to marry you and continues to make foolish excuses, it would be better for you to end the relationship and adopt a child. Be careful that you do not end up being used by men. That is how I see it.

Pastor