This man thinks he owns me

January 19, 2021

Dear Pastor,

I am writing you with tears in my eyes. I am 32 and I have been reading your column since my high school days. I come from rural Jamaica and your column was always popular among the students.

After graduation, I came to Kingston. I started living with a guy who lived next door to relatives I was staying with. All my relatives had boyfriends. This guy said he loved me. I was afraid of guys. He behaved like a 'Rasta man'. He would tell me things in strange voices but he was very kind. Whenever he went out, he brought things for me like mangoes and oranges. Once, he went out and brought fish and my cousins said he was a good man. 'Only good men do these things', they said. Another time he brought me more fish and this time he asked me to make some fish tea for him. I did it. All he did was drink the water and left the fish in the bowl. I asked him why he did not eat the fish and he said that he got the strength of the fish already.

As our relationship developed and my grandfather started to send me to school, one of my classmates fell in love with me. He bought himself a car and offered me rides home. This guy saw my schoolmate dropping me home and became very jealous and warned me about the guy.

One evening when the guy dropped me home, as I was about to exit the car, he appeared and told the guy that I was his woman, and he must keep away from me. Otherwise, he was going to destroy him. Nothing like that was true because although I liked him, we were not intimate. The young man told him that he wouldn't give me anymore rides so I lost a nice young man who was very decent. I stopped taking gifts from my neighbour and he told me if he could not get me, no other man would get me.

Sometimes when I go to bed I cannot sleep. My mind is on this other guy who loves me but is scared of this man who put up himself as a bad man. And believe me Pastor, I have not even given this man a kiss, and my cousins can't believe that we have not gone to bed just because of the way he behaves over me. Please tell me how to get this man out of my life. I don't like fish.


Dear R.A.,

This man believes that because you accepted small gifts from him that you love him. There are some men who are like that. From a girl begins to respond to them, they believe that the girl loves them. Both of you are neighbours and he would bring an orange, mangoes etc. for you. Then he brought fish twice and even asked you to make "fish tea" and you agreed. Somebody should have told you that that fish tea was his way of making him stronger. He told you that everything is in the water. So one of your relatives should have told you that is how men drink fish tea, just the water. This guy was also trying to tell you that by making fish tea, you are strengthening his back so when the time was right for sex, he would do a good job. But in any case this guy has gone too far. He is trying to hold on to you and you have not consented to be his woman.

Perhaps you have a lost a good young man who is a fellow student. He is not going to get mixed up with a guy who challenged him and warned him. He does not want any trouble. What I would suggest you do is to ask your cousins to talk to this 'Rasta man' on your behalf. Tell them to tell him that you are not interested in him and let them tell him to back off. Don't do any favours for this man and don't accept any gifts from him.


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