Spouse dumped me for a university grad

September 14, 2020

Dear Pastor,

I am 40. I was married when I was 20 and I had two children in quick succession. I am not a dunce, but my husband is much more educated than I am.

We had an agreement that he would go to university after the second child, and I would help to support him while he was there.

My mother said that was risky, because after he got his education he may leave me. I didn't like what she said, and I told her that. She said all right, and she left it there.

He went off to university. He didn't take student loan. I used up everything I had on him. He was paying for his car, so I got little or nothing from him.

When it came to sex, he did not ease up on me at all. Sometimes in the middle of the night he would wake me up for sex.

If I pretended I was sleeping, he would take off my underwear and do what he wanted to do with me. I had it very hard, but I tried not to complain too much.

After a while, he started to complain about everything. When he should be home, he said he had to meet for group studies. I became very suspicious of him.

I found out after that he had got involved with one of his colleagues who was attending university with him. Six months after he graduated, he told me that he did not love me as much as he once did. I was so shocked. He then told me that he got a girl pregnant. I could not speak to this man for days. But I made him his breakfast, prepared his dinner and washed his clothes as usual. But I didn't allow him to have sex with me, because I was afraid he might give me an STI.

Pastor, the person who always talked to me about the girl was his very close friend. This guy was my friend too, but there was nothing going on between us.

After my husband's girlfriend gave birth, this guy and I became closer. When he came by, he asked me if our relationship could go further.

I told him no, but after a while we started to hug and to kiss, but nothing further. One day, I was feeling so horny, so I called him and told him to come over.

He didn't have to ask me for sex, I offered it to him. It was after we had sex that I started to wonder what people would say, and if they knew that this guy and I had become lovers.

My husband filed papers on me for a divorce and I signed them. He found out that his friend and I were lovers. My husband called me a whore, but he has not cursed his friend.

Is this fair to me? He started it, and now he cannot take my response. I do not trust my husband.

When he comes to visit the children, I leave the house until he leaves. His eyes look wild when he looks at me. Please give me your suggestion.

B.T.

Dear B.T.,

You and your husband were in love. You made a promise that you would help him to further his education; nothing was wrong with that. In fact, I commend you.

Your mother, on the other hand, told you that you were making a mistake. She told you it was likely he would leave you after getting a higher education.

You did not think that as a loving husband he would do so, but he did. He used you. After mingling with other students who were on his level, he got one of them and dumped you.

I would say that he was not a good husband. A good husband would encourage you to go to school too, and he would've made similar sacrifices that you made for him.

It is glaring that he did not care, because he got his lover pregnant. The big problem is with you. His friend worked his way to you.

You knew it was wrong for you to allow him to do so, but he succeeded and you became lovers. Now both of you want to get married, but you are concerned about what people would say. May I suggest that both of you should make an appointment to see a family counsellor and discuss this matter with him/her?

But be prepared to be bashed by your ex-husband, and probably his friends and others. I wish both of you well.

Pastor

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