Grown stepdaughter sleeping in her dad’s bed

Dear Pastor,

I am writing to you with tears in my eyes. I have been reading your column for years and you have inspired me.

I am having a problem and it is like I am going mad. I have a boyfriend; we have been together for six years. He has a daughter; she is 19 years old. He is 50 years old and I am 45 years old.

I went away for a weekend and when I came back, I found her underwear on the bed under the sheet, at the foot of the bed. I know it was not mine, so I asked him whose underwear was that and he said perhaps it belonged to his daughter.

So I asked him what it was doing there and he said she slept on his bed a couple of nights because our room is cooler than hers.

We had a fuss over that. I told the young woman that she should not sleep in our room when I was not there. I told her that she should stay in her room.

But my boyfriend told her right before me that she could sleep anywhere she wanted to sleep.

IT IS NOT RIGHT

I have never seen anything 'funny' between the both of them, but I know it is not right for a big girl her age to sleep in the same bed with her father.

His daughter says that I am judging her and giving the impression that she is having sex with her father. But I am still asking the question, what was her underwear doing on the bed under the sheet, at the foot of the bed?

I cannot trust this man anymore, especially how he reacted when I told the girl that she should not sleep in the same bed with him when I am not around.

This man told me that I want to divide his family and he would prefer if I left rather than his daughter. I would like to know how you feel about this.

S.F.

Dear S.F.,

Your man said that the underwear you saw belonged to his daughter and his daughter admitted that it was hers. Why it was there is another matter. I wouldn't even try to come up with an answer.

Evidently you gave your man the impression that you believe that he and his daughter were doing something that was inappropriate. That is why you told her that she should not sleep in his bedroom when you are not there.

This man thought that you went too far and that you did not trust him. You are indeed suspicious of the both of them, but you have to learn that at times, it is better not to say everything that is on your mind.

Sometimes one can create problems by the tone in which one says something. You must have been very rough the way you spoke to the young woman that caused your man to react.

You said you have never seen him behave in any inappropriate manner with his daughter. Therefore, I suggest that perhaps you should tell him that you are sorry for giving him the impression that you don't trust him with her.

And you may wish to tell the girl that if you have hurt her by the way you spoke to her about her underwear, you are sorry for doing so, but, at the same time, she needs to be careful.

Pastor